DC vs. LA: Why LA Sucks for Dating

I know I haven't updated my blog in about a month. So, here it goes:

Status Update: Emails, +1 Date (OKCupid).

I have been emailing some potential dates on Jdate and OKCupid (having more luck on OKCupid). Unfortunately, I have been running into the same obstacle - those who read my emails, respond with interest and then don't respond back after one exchange. I understand that you chose the online dating route to find dates, but if you are interested, try not to fall off the face of the earth once they respond back. I might be insane, but maybe a lack of commitment was the reason you went online in the first place.

Anyways...back to the reason for my blog - why LA sucks for dating. I chose to do this now because I am finding the "numbers game" to be a weight on my self-worth and because I finally have something to compare to - dating in Washington, DC:

Washington, DC is infinitely better than LA for dating because it is infinitely more accessible and has a higher amount of people in my age range with the same ambition and education level. There are so many places in DC that are easily accessible from anywhere in the District - Columbia Heights, Adams Morgan, 18th St, H St., Kennedy Center, etc. People my age go to DC to connect with others, whether it be for business or pleasure. It's just more sociable and less artificial.

Before going into a rant about LA (and the SF Valley), I would like to brandish my credentials. I have lived in LA for over 20 years. I know there are many in LA who will put this blog post down, and may call me cynical and characterize my argument as self-fulfilling. No. Not the case. I have the experience, and on a personal level can make a clarified judgement about the quality of the LA dating scene:

1. Vast distances - LA is a big city. You are either from the Valley or the city. If you are in Sherman Oaks and your date is 10-15 miles away in Santa Monica on a Saturday night, you are looking at an arduous trek through the concrete and auto jungle for 90 minutes of witty banter, a beer and another trek back. This may deter some, resulting in date cancellation.

2. Downtown/Westside/Valley/Silverlake/Ad Nauseum - A lot of online daters like to go to the trendy areas of LA. There are multiple problems with that:
Subsection 1: No Transit - Dates usually take place on a weekend at night. The transit situation in LA is such that it does not work or is completely shutdown on weekend nights.
Subsection 2: Car is Necessary, Parking is Elusive/Expensive - In LA, a car is necessary. It is almost taboo to not own/lease a car. You are often judged by the type/condition of your car. Your personality is often discerned by the car you drive. But, if you want to go to trendy date places, parking is elusive and/or expensive. Go downtown, it will cost you $10-20 for a nice 90 minute date (not to mention the extra $20-30 you shell out for expensive, watered down drinks at the Edison, Standard, W, or wherever). Westside parking is so elusive that parking restrictions will often be 5 signs deep. Silverlake, where all the hipsters go to drink PBR, wear skinny jeans, dawn glasses that they don't need, get their film nazi credentials and try to top each other on music obscurity (hey man...have you heard of the Monkey Peanut Butter Recorders. I heard them on [insert unknown radio show]. They were a good compliment to my PBR and American Spirits), has no accessible parking. I have declined offers to go to parties there because I know I will never find parking.

3. The people, the industry, the arts, philosophy and subjectivity - I lump all of these together because they involve a certain group of hipsters/new-age hippies/artsy/philosophizers/bullshit artists who are the least genuine people. They are like the liberal who doesn't accept other points of view. They listen to obscure music because it is obscure. They frequent local food stores and farmers markets, they are vegan or vegetarian and they often associate that with some sort of radicalism (See Immortal Technique's "Beef and Broccoli"). They tend to date within their own personality group. They like guys who are tall, pale, effeminate, skinny, wear skinny jeans, have glasses, have beards, drink PBR because its ironic (I like the taste, fuck you), listen to obscure music (I think I might have hammered that point in) and espouse their artsy side in such a generalized way that it makes me think if I put on some girls jeans and puked on a canvas I could get laid. Rants aside, I cannot fit in as I am short, pale, Jewish, not artsy and listen to mainstream music.

4. Dancing, Clubs and Vegas - I hate dancing. I hate clubs. I hate Vegas. All of these things together make me want to paint the walls with my brains. For some reason, girls from the Valley and the City love to go to Vegas, dawn expensive clothes, drink on some bros dime and then complain about how they can't find good men after a drunken tryst in the bathroom of an ironically-named club. Back away, not today, disco lady.

5. Complainers - Women on dating sites often complain about not finding a nice guy. On Jdate, its not finding a nice Jewish Boy. On others, its not finding the right guy, in general. What I find aggravating about this is that there are nice guys right in front of them. They are just too selective to give a shit.I once got an email that said my personality was very attractive, but that I should post more pics. I did. She never emailed me again. This might be an exception, but it doesn't seem that way to me when it happens most of the time. If you want a guy who is 6 ft+, with a ripped body and an intellect of a middle school boy, by all means, flirt away. But, please...don't complain about it later. Most of the time, you knew it was coming.

It's possible that I am not the ideal person for someone in LA. I don't work in the industry, I am not artsy by any means, I wear my personality on my sleeve, I don't have a "go with the prevailing winds" attitude and I am not 6 ft tall. I like what I like because I like it - not because someone told me I should like it. I am genuine, I care, and I sympathize because I have the ability to give a shit in a tangible way. That is, what I say is exactly what I mean.

In LA, I had a 4 hour date with non-stop conversation, where the ending was "I want to do this again." Then, she disappeared. I got an email from a girl who said she was interested in going out on the following weekend. I sent her a message, she never responded. Haven't heard from her since. Another girl said my personality was attractive, then stopped talking me after I sent her more photos. Another girl said she wanted to go out, kept dodging a time and then deleted her account. I found out later, she found someone else. Another girl asked specifically if I was single (outside of the online world) and gave my friend her number. She kept cancelling, then finally stopped answering my calls. We never ended up meeting. Another girl went on three dates with me in 6 months, and preferred sitting around in her apt to going out. She stopped answering my calls. I found out later that she moved to Ohio. A friend of a friend showed interest in me. When I finally met her at a party, she was hitting one someone else. Another girl said she was interested in going out, then did not respond to my emails about places/times. Out of the 200-300 messages I have sent out to girls in Van Nuys, Sherman Oaks, Valley Village, Los Angeles, Santa Monica, West Hollywood, West LA, Reseda, Canoga Park, Tujunga, Stevenson Ranch, Northridge, North Hills and some more, I have conversations with less than 20, and have gone on a whopping 2 first dates.

Someone please give me a reason to keep caring....

Calling Out the "One Date Wonder"

I recently googled "online dating sucks." Obviously google would be able to allay my frustration by validating my current opinion of the service.

It did...kinda

But, there is one blog I came across that had a very skewed perspective. It was online dating from a woman's perspective. Call me sexist, but her opinions are as useful to me as a solar powered flash light. She suggests that those who are not used to rejection should not be dating on the interwebs in the first place. She also said that there will be bad dates. Here is my problem: She has gone on many dates, seen many men and is able to filter out those who she thinks aren't relationship material. She is a serial dater. For women on dating websites, this dynamic is near-universal. I hear complaints about "creeps," "loners," "Ed Hardy wearing," "douchey"and "clingers." They are vague on what they want, but get angry when it doesn't go their way. But, they can be picky. They can be choosy, snobby, selective, rigorous, scrupulous, prudent and prude and they will eventually get what they want.

What I want: a date. To get to know you. To see if there is some sort of attractiveness or connection on a mental or emotional level. Or, maybe you'll end being a friend. Someone I can confide in and trust. Or, there could be nothing.

I have come to realization that online dating is a digital mirror of what I have been unsuccessful at in the real world. Women get the smorgasbord, get to choose the best sushi from the buffet and can leave the rest for the alley dumpster. When I am down on myself, the generic "keep trying" and "don't give up" and "you'll find someone" sounds all too familiar. And that familiarity makes me cynical.

Peace.

Date 1 Insights

Date 1 went well. The only downside of the night was the Hollywood Bowl traffic I had to deal with. It took me nearly 2 hours to get from Studio City to Hollywood. I took my date to Yamashiro, a Japanese restaurant designed like a tea house. I had been there once before, and spent an exorbitantly large amount of money (close to $200 for two people). The conversation was non-stop from 7:30pm until 11:30pm, so much so that we forgot to look at the drink selections until about 8:30pm, and didn't order an appetizer until 9pm.

I find that the best dates are ones where the two "Datees" can converse for hours, fluidly transitioning from one topic to another with relative ease. A first date location should be quiet, but not too intimate. The more private the date, the more awkward it gets. This facilitates healthful conversation, which allows for the datees to get to know each other. The setting also allows for stability and consistency, which means that any feelings over the location choice and its connection to the desires of either datee is an afterthought, overshadowed by the possible emotional connection that the datees might have. In other words, all things are held constant, and the focus can remain on each of the datees. It is through this experience, that a connection or a revelation of impassible difference can be brought forward.

Hopefully, I found a connection.

What is Nerd?

There is an episode of the Simpsons where Homer goes back to college. It turns out that he never graduated, even though is a a safety supervisor at a nuclear plant. In the episode Homer gets help from a group of National Lampoon-esque nerds. They have glasses, they do not shower much, they make math jokes and they are totally unaccustomed to the outside world. One scene, Snake (the "bad boy" criminal recurring character) identified himself as the "wallet inspector" and stole the nerds' wallets. Homer, who has an impulse to pick on the nerds, finds compassion for their situation and they, in turn, help him graduate.

That is a nerd.

But...not so much anymore.

If you have an OKCupid profile, or are one Jdate or have some other weird online dating account, you will often see in the "Description," "Essay" and/or "Tell Us About Yourself" section that the person puts "I am such a nerd." This usually follows some statement about playing a video game, owning a video game console or mentioning the words "science fiction."

Nerds wear thick rimmed glasses.

In their profiles, they have a picture of them wearing glasses. While the nerd wears them because they have bad eyesight, some of these people wear the glasses to conform to some "nerd-chic" and not out of necessity.

"Oh my god...I'm such a nerd."

What does that even mean, anymore? There is a philosophy that I follow - if a concept is applied universally (or near-universally), it loses its meaning.

While the "nerd" is non universally applied, it is being stretched beyond its original meaning - a clique, looked down upon by the popular group and beat up by the jocks (this is a generalization that keeps out fringe/fluidly integrated groups - IE stoners, metalheads, goths, etc who can move from one group to another).

Dare I say that nerd has been co-opted by hipsters? They wear big glasses, have clothes that don't fit, have longer hair, don't groom....oh dear god...

...

So...here is my call to action - take it back, nerds. Take back your identity. Take it back before it is taken from you by the flannel-wearing, pencil-mustached, tight jeaned, PBR drinking, ironic-for-ironic sake, obscure band listening, feminine, Silverlake hipster crowd. If not...all is doomed.

Patience is Waning

I haven't given up. No. But, I am almost there. I am spending $20/month for people to open my emails, stare at my profile and move on. This beats the gym, as far as black holes where my money goes. This only reinforces my disdain for online dating.

I can appreciate profiles that are up front about what they want:

Contact me if...
"You're tall, dark and handsome and have a lot of money"
"You can handle me"
"You love Jesus more than life itself."

I am not tall, burn instead of tan, don't have a single picture where I am smiling and I like my life more than Jesus...in fact, I like a lot of things more than Jesus. I know this person is shallow and wouldn't be interested. So, I move on. It's necessary triage.

But, not something like this:

Contact me if...
"You want to"
"You are sane, want to have good conversations and want to go out"
"You are fun and want to have a good conversation over drinks."

These "contact requirements" are so vague that it gives the idea that they will give anyone the time of day. Most of the time, they will not. They will look at your profile, read your message, shrug and keep looking for the same feminine-looking, 6 ft tall, sensitive a**faces they have always wanted. Their own PBR-soaked, flannel wearing, going-nowhere hipster/indie movie paradise. F***king hell.

Email Traffic on the Gender Highway

The "frontal assault" method seems to be working!

I have a three commitments on Jdate and a ongoing conversation about Hockey on OKCupid.

For the most part, online dating has been revealed (to me) to be a very one-sided competition. Women, without considering their selectivity, get a higher rate of email traffic and initiated conversations than men do. Somehow, I think this gap is quite significant. But I think I can accept that fact. I look at this as a digital reflection of a more traditional dating formality. While there has been a liberalization of the role of women and men in the dating dynamic, there is still a high presence of male-initiated conversation. This has nothing to do with some sort of anachronistic, bygone idea of traditional roles, but more of a transition of the dating/relationship/marriage scene to a modern, digital era. It reflects only a prima facie incarnation of the relationship dynamic. Once you delve into the details, it reveals to be a much more progressive activity where initiation of relationships becomes gender non-specific. With my experience, I refer to relationships with the heteronormative filter, as I have no experience or knowledge of the homosexual (or transgender) dynamic. And, the statement is meant to be an admittance of ignorance, not a assumption of the existence of a different dynamic between homosexual, transgender and/or heterosexual dating/relationships/marriage.

Anyone like Hockey?

I decided to use the "frontal assault" method (my characterization) for online dating. That roughly translates to having two accounts - Jdate and OKCupid - in order to maximize accessibility and synthesize ideal conditions for social interaction in a emotionally symbiotic fashion (get more dates).

I have had a good amount of success on Jdate. But, last night I found an email from someone off of OKCupid. Even though she addressed me as "sir," she seemed like a nice woman.

But...

She loves hockey. I know nothing about Hockey. I would love to learn more and go to some games. Well...we shall see.